Friday, 23 August 2013

I am trying really hard at....

 I'm rather terrible at relationships.
It's perhaps a sad thing!? But I see it as just as 'one of my things'.
I have seen it before. My Nanna was like this also - there you are, i can actually blame genetics and take on no responsibility for these failings at all... 
After she died, people actually had the nerve to tell me "she was a really hard woman"
and i had enough substance about me to reply, kindly, but directly:
"she was hard, because she was lonely and frightened and not terribly good at relationships"
My Nanna was fantastic company, once you were inside.
 My parents have been heard to say "you do always seem to make life difficult for yourself my dear"
They are so oooo right.
And i AM making life difficult for myself. 
I am trying to change my life - change myself - make it better!
And that is, indeed, a very difficult thing to do.
My philosophy is... if i can surround myself with teachers then i may eventually learn these lessons that it seems i need to learn. I am choosing to surround myself by those who i think are much better than me at loving and giving and forgiving and relaxing and laughing and being intimate.
My dog. My Daughter. My Friends.
I am open to new people and new opportunities. I won't hide myself anymore. And i will make myself vulnerable to the pains that this openness might bring. After all, i have hurt before, i can survive it again!?
I am trying really hard to be better at relationships.

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